We may not always have time or space or solitude enough to allow our feelings their full run.

We may have kids under foot, or work responsibilities, or someone ill or in pain for whom we need to be strong. Maybe we just don’t have the psychological bandwidth right now to deeply, fully “go there”.

But even still: we can catch moments to honor our feelings. We can consciously choose not to stuff, not to hide, not to deny what naturally arises. We can find small ways to say to our feelings kindly, “Yes. You’re here.”

Feelings get sticky when we stuff or deny them. They turn dense and can’t readily dissipate or pass through.

But when we can recognize them and name them with kindness. When we can allow a tear to fall. When we can say, even with very few words, “I’m feeling this way”: the feelings stay much more buoyant. Our hearts remain softer and more open (there’s far less we’re trying to wall them off against). Rather than turning tight and brittle from the work of staving off what we don’t want to feel, we keep our suppleness for facing the bumps of life’s road up ahead.

During these last couple of weeks, multiple family members – some who live under my roof, some who do not – have had troubling health issues arise. All the test results aren’t in, so in addition to physical pain and discomfort, we’re living with many unknowns.

I also smashed the tip of my right index finger, so, being right handed, this has meant a ton of pain accompanying most of my daily tasks. And I haven’t even been one of the ones with a health issue!

So these small moments of honoring feelings – of honoring my fear, my grief, my irritation, my pain: these have been my mainstay these days when time alone and space to process or dwell on anything deeply hasn’t been possible.

Trust, to me, is a softening into what is, is an un-learning of the knee-jerk instinct to tense up and tighten in the face of tough stuff. This practice of finding simple, small ways to honor the feelings that arise in me – even inside a jam-packed, little-time-alone season – is helping me do exactly that.

What are your go-to strategies for navigating tough stuff? How do you cope when there’s lots of “bad” news to face? I’d sincerely love to hear!

And this season, for me, is not one of those times.

It feels like life itself is turning over in its bed, and I, perched small somewhere on the shifting duvet, am standing like a surfer might: knees bent, arms out as though ready to fly.

“Woooaaahh,” my insides quiver. “Woooaaahhh.”

Who knows when the movement will end.

Do you feel this way, too? – life shifting under your feet?

I’m struck by how hard it can feel sometimes to find lightness and music as life turns – to stake any claim on land that’s about trust in the midst of chaos, that’s about singing even when it rains. Any claim on land that holds sunsets we have time to watch, and dear ones we can and want to play with.

I love the band Walk Off the Earth, and the video below so perfectly depicts this aspect of life I’m describing. This way that bills and health concerns and adult responsibilities and taking-everything-way-seriously can be like police, hunting down our joy. And the way that we sometimes must make our escape. Must summon our courage and our friends and get our butts moving to find our rhythm anyway.

Not once everything settles down.
Not once the police decide to set us free of their own accord.

But now.

Right now when there’s all this inertia keeping us banging away on the joyless chain gang still.

If you’re in one of these seasons when finding joy has been hard, or when life has felt heavy and you hadn’t realized before now just how ready you are to get weight off your back, I highly recommend a watch of this video. And an accompanying reminder to your very own self that no matter how many times you find yourself in “jail” again (you’ll get what I mean if you watch), there are just as many chances to break free.

As I think about the horrors experienced in Boston today, the fire in my belly to stay the course of deepening trust expands.

I want to be a woman who can look darkness in the face. Whose knees can buckle and heart can break, but who stands up again, and again, and again in dark times. Embodying love. Grounded in a peace that has nothing to do with everything going “right”. Taking clear-sighted action. Extending forgiveness and compassion wide, starting within my own chest.

Horrors are just that – minus nothing. And today they only fan the flame in me to deepen my trust. To be a light that darkness can’t hide.

(I’m reminded as I write this of a post I wrote in the days following the March 2011 earthquake in Japan. Yes. I stand by all of it.)

Photo credit: my talented mother, BJ

As boxes start to fill for our upcoming move (for those who haven’t heard, my husband and I recently bought our first home), and as I do what I can to experience this season mindfully, rather than as a blur of frayed nerves, I’m struck by the ways my trust tending efforts right now apply to ANY major move we all make – even ones that have nothing to do with changing physical spaces!

I’m thinking here of major moves like:

• Initiating change in a relationship (this one is huge!)
• Switching jobs
• Redefining your spiritual identity
• Beginning a new educational endeavor
• Starting a business
• Having a baby
• Establishing new eating or exercise habits
• Facing an addiction

Any time we trade one identity or psychological “home” for another is a major move in my book.

So here are some of the practices I’m using to take the edge off the stress that moving brings. Because of these, I feel like my feet are rooted in trust – like I’m a plant soaking up trust food and what would have historically been a season fraught with AAACCKKK!!! for me is turning out to be a season marked by…dare I say it??…peace. And joy. I’m feeling GOOD you guys!

So if you’re facing a major move, too – even if it has nothing to do with changing physical spaces – here are the practices I heartily recommend. Here are the practices that, combined, can leave you wonder-struck at how you – yes YOU – could navigate the challenges of this move so well.

1. Honor the magnitude of what you’re doing.

This isn’t the time to minimize what you’re facing. Your psyche knows, on deep AND shallow levels, how huge this move is, and pretending like it’s no big deal only stifles the truth. As you anticipate and actually make this move, remind yourself from time to time that this isn’t no big deal. It’s a deal. It’s a BIG one. Being clear on this will help you feel more patient and compassionate with yourself when you find yourself unable to “carry on as usual” in whatever way.

2. When it comes to choosing your next step, think small.

This move IS a big deal. But focusing on its size when choosing your next step will only overwhelm you. Instead, find some small, measurable goal you can set for yourself and keep your sights set there. Small, measurable goals, when stacked up together, amount to a TON getting done. An entire relationship that needs fixing; a doctorate you aim to pursue; a whole garage that needs packing: these are recipes for paralysis (or for re-checking email or Facebook, or getting another snack, as the case may be :). Setting up a time for a conversation with your partner; scheduling ten minutes to study for the GRE; choosing one little section of shelf to clear: these are so DOable. And the boost of feel-good hormones you get when you accomplish them only makes you want to accomplish more.

3. Eat your greens.

You may not be able to prepare the perfect snacks and meals throughout this season, but you can throw some leafy greens on your plate each day. Or blend them into a tasty drink (my morning drink is two handfuls of leafy greens, a few frozen berries, a bit of banana, and rice milk, blended smooth)! In addition to giving your body and brain more of what they need to thrive, this small act can actually be an anchor for your self-care through this season – something to tether you daily to awareness that in addition to everything else that you are, you are a physical body with a chemical make-up that you have HUGE influence over. Like it or not, what you put into your body literally grows and shrinks your trust. And greens, my friends: they’re trust nectar.

4. Release the non-essentials.

There are seasons when adding more to your existing plate, or keeping your existing plate exactly as it is, makes sense. And this is not one of them. Remember how BIG this moving thing is? Honor that by releasing whatever you can. Say “no” more often. Welcome time for rest. Recognize that you won’t always be in this season and that this happens to be a time when you need to focus only on essentials. Those essentials – and your body, soul, and close relationships – need this from you.

5. Take time-outs.

You are not a machine. And though there’s lots to do for this move, and this move may require more of you physically, emotionally, or spiritually than even you can imagine, you only make the challenge of it worse by acting like rest and play are off limits.

So pause along the way. Time outs can certainly mean entire days or weeks where you pause the work of your move (depending on the type of move you’re making), but even short little stops can powerfully refresh you. Eating your lunch outside in the sun rather than in front of your computer; stopping work ten minutes early so you can read something you love before bed; closing your eyes for 15 minutes in mid-afternoon or watching a show that makes you laugh: these only increase your efficiency for everything else you must do. They strengthen and restore you and nourish your trust that life is not, by design, an endless demand for hard work.

6. Make space to grieve.

Whenever you make a major move, you leave something – or many things – behind. What you leave behind may be a welcome change, but more than likely some aspect of that change is a loss of something dear to you. So as you make this move, listen for the parts in you that may be grieving. Even if grief makes no sense to you at all, given your gladness for the change, invite those grieving parts to the table. Ask them what they’d like to say (a journal is great for this task). The more you can make welcome space for your feelings to surface, the more able those feelings are to soften and move through. The less stuck they get inside of you, waiting for you to listen.

7. Mindfully celebrate.

No matter what stage of a major move you’re in – whether anticipating it, going through it, or recovering afterward – it’s easy to get so focused on the work of it, or on the wish to get back to normal afterward, that any celebration of what this move means for you, or of all the hard work you’ve so bravely poured into it, gets forgotten. So consciously take time to honor the good things this move means to or elicits from you. Your pit stops, or whenever you put those greens into your mouth, could be the perfect times to note the things worth celebrating. To earnestly congratulate yourself. To smile at what’s been done. Of course larger celebrations are great, too!

8. Look yourself in the eyes.

My friend Liz Lamoreux introduced me to this one. She calls it mirror meditation. Major moves can have this tendency to turn us into do-ers. Into ones completely identified with this move that’s being done. In this process of move-identification, moves can cause us to lose sight of our very being – of the soul that’s holding and feeling so much inside and the body that’s housing and accomplishing it all.

So as you move through this season, make a habit of looking mindfully into your own eyes as you look in the mirror. Hold your own gaze. Bow a nod of love and greeting and even send yourself a blessing as you do (May you know yourself loved. May you recognize the beauty of this day.). Especially in seasons like these, you need to be noticed like this by you.

9. Get funky.

The move you’re making is BIG. And so much of it is serious, adult work. But so much of it doesn’t have to be so serious. And the more you can bring levity into the picture – a goofy dance move, a really bad joke, an off-the-wall outfit in a context where no one expects it – the more the tension in your gut will soften. The more capable you’ll be of recognizing what’s truly important and what actually matters not. Surprise yourself with funkiness as often as you think of it.

10. Remember: this too shall pass.

Life is a constant state of flux, but thank heavens major moves aren’t the whole of it. There are long stretches where movement is slow and mundane. If this move feels like your new normal and stretches out as far as your eyes can see, remember: you will get through this. And you will find yourself in the season that comes after.

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Are you making or anticipating a major move? Have you discovered some helpful habit we could add to this list? I’d love to catch whatever stories or tips you have to tell!

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” ~Rumi

Lately I’ve been thinking lots about growth. And change.

I’ve been thinking about the patterns in it: the ways we experience slow, gradual movements inside ourselves. And sometimes sharp bursts of KAPOW!! (big a-ha’s; lessons sinking in; heart-openings and expandings). And in between these two some combination of feeling stuck or spinning wheels, or, on the heals of our KAPOWS!!, that slow return to mundane. That coming-down-from-mountain-tops.

Depending on how you frame these pieces of change – particularly the ones that aren’t the KAPOWS!! – they can feel wondrously part of a Whole, perfect pieces of a life well-lived, or…quite the contrary. Evidence of something gone wrong.

Anyone who’s played the comparison game and lost when it comes to how long you can stay on your mountain tops, or how fast you can speed through gangly or grief-stricken growth, or how happy and confident and popular and partnered and fit you can continuously be, spiritually or otherwise, has experienced some version of this “evidence of something gone wrong”. Evidence that there’s a train you want to be on – a train with all the winners on it – and you can’t even find the tracks.

We live in an online world saturated with subtle and overt messages about what it means to succeed, and what it means to succeed greatly. These spill into the offline world, too. For every life-changing course and book and idea that people promote there’s a sales page – or many – that puts flood-lights on all the wonderful things that course or that book or that idea can do for you.

My sales pages do this. If you have sales pages, they likely do this, too.

But what I’m troubled by, and what I think deserves repeated and ongoing mention, are the ways that these floodlights over-expose the real picture. They cause the finer, less shiny nuances of change – the slow, gradual movements; the seasons of stuckness; the attempts that end in stall-outs; the coming-down-off-of-mountain-tops – to get lost in happy shiny promises and faces.

I think it’s wonderful to keep our sights set where we want to go. But I think the deep change that most of us long for, the deep healing and wholeness that allow us to loose ourselves, increasingly, from fear’s grip, and from all the things fear drives us to do – including trying constantly to catch that winners’ train – can’t be helped by steeping ourselves mindlessly in the message that success = looking/feeling/acting like the characters on those sales pages.

In fact, I’m coming to think that success as a concept and as something to pursue with a life is beside the point entirely. It’s a sparkly red herring in the quest to be and know ourselves ALIVE.

Here’s why: Success is embedded in dichotomy. By nature it divides life and people and segments of our journeys into “yeses” and “no’s”. Into check boxes. Into Am I successful here? Check. Am I successful there? Nope.

In reality, though, change isn’t dichotomous. It spans so many seasons, so many periods of dormancy and “wrong” turns and stagnancies that open out into readiness to crack, readiness to shift inner or outer things dramatically, readiness to open our hearts wide.

And the “success” of those crackings and shifts and openings cannot be separated from all of the “shit”, all of the “failures” that led to them.

So as I swim in the sea of “success” stories around me, as I read sales pages and articles and blog posts and testimonials about people lauding mountaintops and glorying in all that’s possible in the human heart, I feel simultaneously energized to heal and grow and continue my lifelong process of change, and moved – troubled, even – to suggest that we consciously, mindfully challenge the messages of success that these stories often convey.

Our own success stories included!

Challenge the message that success is the carrot you want your life to chase after.

Challenge the message that the good life is defined by happiness and ease.

Challenge the message that life’s best things are the fast routes. The arrivals. The completions.

If nothing else, ponder the possibility of the presence, surrounding all of us, of much more nuanced truth.

Consider the possibility that feel-good success is beside the point of what you’re here to pursue, and that the point of being here is rather to come alive to your soul. To say YES to your callings. And to learn how to loosen the grip of fear on your life so that both things are increasingly possible.

I don’t mean by all of this that “success” at reaching our goals doesn’t matter, or that tending to quality and effectiveness in our lives and work is pointless. Or happiness, either. I don’t mean such things at all.

I mean, instead, to challenge the mindless, and I think toxic, use of feel-good success as a benchmark for whether or not we’re doing what we’re really here to do.

So here’s my greatest wish tonight: the second you catch yourself – the second *I* catch myself – pining after winners’ trains, sloshing around in the sea of happy, shiny promises and people that often feel so other than who and what and where we are right now, we reach for the shore of our own dear souls. We reach for that shore, climb up onto it, and ask from that place, repeatedly, as a mighty, holy habit, How can my soul come more alive? How can I say YES to my callings? How can I cultivate what it takes to live beyond the dictates of my fear?

The more we honestly ask and answer these questions, the very real, very gritty, very bumbling, graceful, exciting, mundane, fast-paced, slow-paced, belly-flopping, victory-dancing patterns of change we experience will feel less and less like missing or even catching any winners’ trains (which aren’t the point anyway), and more like natural unfoldings in the good life. In OUR life. In the life we’ve come to love and find belonging inside of without floodlights pushing any of its shadows away.

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P.S. If you’d like to join me in asking and answering theses questions, sign up here to receive Trust Notes, my weekly meditations that do just that.

P.P.S. This post, over at Walking On My Hands, is wonderful reading on this same topic. The paragraph fifth from the bottom had me in tears in a beautiful way. Thank you, Pamela!!

These last weeks have been so packed with all of the above for me that I hardly know where to begin.

So. A few snatches…

My husband and I bought our first home. Yay!
Good heavens, that process is a BEAR. Gah!
Three weeks until we move. {{breathe, Kristin. you can do this.}}
My kids are growing up before my eyes. Holy cow. No – just: holy. Jaw-dropping holiness.
Spring!! You beautiful, miraculous, bursting season, you!
Oh, Money. In the flurry of it all, I feel us learning to be friends. (Thank you, Bari!)
Friends, you are so beautifully alive! I’m so honored to be witness to it!

I have more on my heart to share – so much more. But for now, here are some visual highlights of recent days:

My daughter on a recent hike (don’t you wear your favorite dress when you hike?)

Flowers in full glory.

Stealing kisses.

Loving up the chickens.

Enjoying the view…of my husband relaxing.

Sweet time with Grandma.

Easter fiesta.

Sending love to you all!

Kristin

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P.S. Due to the unforeseen event of a house purchase and all that move has meant and will mean for my time this month, my e-course, Trust Habits, originally slated to begin April 15, will be postponed. Sign up for Trust Notes in the sidebar to receive updates on start date.

This month I’ve been writing about trust habits that support us taking scary next steps. Today I want to share another resource that’s been hugely instrumental in me trustfully taking MY scary next steps.

It’s a program called Playing Big, by Tara Mohr.

Playing Big is a six-month, in-depth program for women who want to play bigger in their work and in their lives. It beautifully blends three things:

• Inner work to help you overcome fears, end procrastination, and clarify your vision
• Practical training in skills for world-changing: communication, negotiation, getting media attention for your work
• Supportive and dynamic community with creative, visionary women ready to support each other in Playing Big

I tend to get buttons pushed by big promises and big language – even the word “big” itself, honestly :) – so I want to use all the heart and unpolished authenticity I have in me to say I love what Tara is doing in the world, I find it deeply kindred to what I’m all about, and I personally found this course to be trust tending at its finest.

Not gimmicky. Not about a subtext that values one particular embodiment of playing big over another (i.e. being on stage, making lots of money, becoming uber popular, etc.). Not undervaluing deep inner dives NOR the need for nuts-and-bolts know-how and strategy.

It’s a practical guide I continue to use for clearing communication channels between my wisest self and the part of me that feels like its in my driver’s seat, and a practical guide for learning the skills and gaining the tools I’ve needed to follow the path that my wisest self illuminates – even right through and alongside my fears.

Awesome.

Today’s sketch reminds me what my wisest self knows and supports me in my path of playing bigger. If you sign up for Tara’s Playing Big course using this link (or any link from this post), I’d love to send you a free 5×7 card of it – a reminder that you might need along the way. I’ll include a blank envelope in case someone you know might need this reminder, too.

And if a darker-haired, darker-skinned version of the image fits you best, I’d be happy to send that alternative (click here to view).

The links in this post are affiliate links, so my trust tending work is supported by your sign-ups here. Which seems like a beautiful circle of trust support – yours, Tara’s, mine, and all those who benefit from all of us playing bigger!

Just forward me proof of your course purchase (a receipt or a welcome email from Tara) and your snail mail address, and I’ll drop your card in the mail.

If you have questions about the program and want to ask me personally about my experience, feel free to drop me a line! There is also extensive information you can read about the program on the homepage itself.

Whole-heartedly, and cheering you on in your moves to cultivate trust,

Ten Trust Habits (symbolically imaged above)

1. Stop running. Repeatedly. (running shoes removed)
2. Practice softening (open hand)
3. Listen: to emotions, sensations, questions, inner wisdom (attention to bird song)
4. Be doggedly self kind (“what would self kindness do” necklace)
5. Own that you are a chemist and practice this role consciously (beaker held in hand)
6. Move into choice (framed art on wall)
7. Practice a Growth Mindset (planter with thriving plant)
8. Keep your eyes on your OWN prize (ribbon on desk)
9. Move (gently, kindly) toward your places of discomfort (adult school brochure)
10. Connect (phone with number to call on desk)

Earlier this week I posted a list of 10 trust habits aimed at supporting our next scary steps. I’m in awe of the power of these habits to take us where we want to go.

The image above is an at-a-glance reminder of all ten habits. My deep wish is that this image makes its way into your home – printed and placed or hung somewhere where you’ll see it. And that each time you see it, your eye will catch just the symbol of the habit you need in that moment to practice.

All Trust Note subscribers now receive high resolution downloadable files of this image FREE – 8×10 or 5×7 (download your choice). Trust Note sign-ups are in the side-bar to the right

If you’re already signed up for Trust Notes and didn’t already receive the links (they were sent yesterday), please let me know.

If you don’t have access to a color printer and would like to purchase a beautiful, archival quality 8×10 print of this image, ready for framing on its own or matting with an 11×14 frame, you can purchase it for $15.

If you’d like to purchase a 5×7 greeting card format, with the ten habits printed inside for reference, you can purchase this for $4.

**If the address you’d like me to send these to differs from the address associated with your Paypal account, please let me know in the notes section at check-out.

Later today I’ll choose a random winner from comments placed on Monday’s post. Winner can choose either of the above options (8×10 print or 5×7 card with the ten habits printed inside) for their free gift.

So pop on over to Monday’s post and comment before noon Pacific Time today if you’d like to be entered!

With love and heartfelt wishes that your trust grows and grows,

1. All the classes and retreats and how-to manuals in the world can’t heal the root causes of our feet-dragging. Or our shame spirals. Or the unnamed blocks that keep us feeling like we’re living our best lives knee-deep in molasses.
2. Daily habits that nourish trust DO heal these root causes. They clear pathways through our fears, lift us repeatedly from the molasses, and support us, again and again, in taking our next steps.

So if and when and even before you recognize a scary next step is calling you, practice these habits. The trust they grow makes the difference between knowing in your mind what you want or feel called to do, and having the mojo to actually follow through with it.

1. Stop Running. Repeatedly.

We’re all running from something (or many things) – whether from age, grief, shame, intimacy, conflict…or something else entirely. And while running from things we don’t like is normal, it’s also a daily message to ourselves that there’s something we can’t face…that there’s something to be feared. When you unquestioningly imbibe this message, day in and day out, you invariably come to believe it. So as often as you recognize yourself running, take time with a journal or a trusted therapist, coach, or friend to actually stop, to name the fears that have you running, and to plan steps to face and soften into them. This instantly and increasingly boosts your trust that you can face what you fear…including your next step.

2. Practice Softening

Literally, practice softening your body – forehead, shoulders, neck, back, gut, legs, feet. Contrary to what our instincts say, our next scary step will almost NEVER necessitate readiness to run or fight. Instead, we’ll need things like curiosity, flexibility, creative problem solving, and positive modes of approach. All of these increase as our bodies cue our minds for lack of threat. So now. And now. And now again: practice softening. Your physical body shapes the chemistry of your mind, so if your body can regularly communicate to your mind, Nothing to fear here, or Danger is passed, your mind will follow suit.

3. Listen

Listen to your emotions, giving them space to surface, speak, and pass through. Listen to your physical sensations – those that arise in response to external stimuli, and those that arise to meet thoughts from within. Listen to your questions and your deep inner wisdom – or to what you imagine that wisdom might be. Whether it’s planning for time alone at the start or end of your day, choosing to leave the phone or radio off as you drive, or something else entirely, intentionally create the space you need to listen.

Two important things happen when we listen: 1) across the board, we grow more conscious, and therefore increasingly able to make clear-headed, conscious choices in response to what arises internally or externally as we face our next step, and 2) we communicate to our own selves, again and again, that we aren’t running (from our emotions, our bodies, our questions, our “knowings”); that there isn’t anything to fear. Again, this new, trust-infused message starts to sink in.

4. Be doggedly self-kind

The safer you feel in your skin, the safer you’ll feel to take that next scary step. So as often as you’re able, and even, sometimes, in the presence of critical voices (outside yourself or within), ask what self-kindness would mean here (and here, and here…and here). Maybe this is taking an evening alone, rather than saying yes to something social. Maybe it’s walking around the block rather than eating that next cookie. Maybe it’s calling a friend when you’re feeling low, or looking into your own eyes in the mirror with love when you feel like you’ve failed at something, or turning off the computer early so you have time, finally, to read.

Treat yourself as only you can – you, with your insider knowledge of all that you’ve faced and been through, all the tender dreams that you carry, and your growing awareness of what makes you come alive. Do this doggedly. Do this as a mission. Do this as your gift to you and us all. We all benefit when you take your next step.

5. Own that you are a chemist and practice this role consciously.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, you are a chemist. With food, drinks, drugs, and actions (including sleep!), you are constantly creating and altering the chemicals in your body. The sooner you own your role in creating your chemical state – a state which determines the frequency, quality, and depth of your experience of things like love, connection, power, patience, optimism, and non-defensiveness – the sooner you can make conscious choices about what foods/drinks/drugs and actions you use or don’t use to support your trust right up to and through this next scary step. You are a chemist. Own it.

6. Move into choice

Research shows that your ability to frame whatever situation you’re in – whether related to your scary next step or or not – as one where you have choice dramatically alters your mental and emotional states. When you feel as though life is happening to you, you tend to spend much more energy on reactive, rather than proactive, behaviors, and much more energy blaming, resenting, feeling jealous, and giving up. The opposite is true, too; believing you play a significant role in shaping your life lends to you owning your choices, taking action toward goals, and making helpful changes. So as often as you can, and most especially in situations that have historically left you feeling powerless and defeated, try to frame your experience as one where you have choice. I can do something about this and I don’t have to be a victim here are stories that, when told repeatedly, grow trust that you can, with time and effort, succeed at taking your next steps.

(Hint: These stories make a wonderful mantra. I can do something about this. I don’t have to be a victim here.)

7. Practice a Growth Mindset

Stanford researcher Carol Dweck has pioneered some wonderfully fear-reducing research on mindsets. People with a fixed mindset believe intelligence and talent are fixed. They spend their time trying to prove their talent and intelligence and avoid and/or give up more quickly on tasks where they can’t readily prove such things (i.e. “I’m just not good at ____; why even keep trying?). People with a growth mindset believe intelligence and talent are malleable, and can always be developed through dedication and hard work. They tend to be much more resilient in the face of setbacks and challenges and, without the fear of proving their unchangeable stupidity or lack of talent, find joy in the process of learning. And here’s the most important finding: you can consciously shift your mindset.

So: make a practice of checking in with yourself. Are you acting and feeling as though you have something to prove? If so, see if you can imagine your feelings and actions flowing differently, from a growth mindset – that mindset that says everything can change. That says you can always learn more, always develop your smarts and your talent. There is nothing fixed you need to (dis)prove.

8. Keep your eyes on your own prize

Other people play crucial roles in us walking our own path well – from skills and information they teach us, to inspiring stories they offer us, to laughter and hugs they give to keep us sane. We need other people. What we DON’T need, however, are people as measuring sticks to determine how close or far we are from where we need to be. Your experiences and gifts and challenges are unique to you, and so is the definition of what it means for you to thrive. Or to flounder, for that matter! So as often as you recognize your eyes wandering for the “right” answers to your life, quite literally imagine yourself pulling your eyes back to your own prize (your own path, your own heart and mind and what these are inviting you to do). Honor your unique life, and the lives of these others who you tend to compare yourself unfavorably to, that much.

(Hint: anytime you open Facebook or Twitter is a great time to practice this habit. This may magically result in large quantities of time freed up for other things. ;)

9. Move (gently, kindly) toward your places of discomfort.

This habit is a step beyond not running (#1 above), and can actually be a back-door entrance to much greater ease around your next scary step. While our instincts say avoid discomfort, and avoid intense discomfort more intensely, we can actively unlearn fear habits by consciously moving toward our places of discomfort. Your places of greatest discomfort may relate to your next scary step, but they may have nothing overtly to do with it. Maybe you hate moving your body. Maybe you’ve been wanting to meditate or do yoga forever but remain too intimidated to try. Maybe you can’t stand crowds or you’re terrified of rainbows. Whatever it is that so fills you with dis-ease, try taking a kind and gentle step toward it. And then another. Things like journaling and talking about your discomfort absolutely count as steps!

This is not a suggestion to be masochistic. And it isn’t a suggestion that you barrel into your deepest darkest traumas heedlessly (e.g. without necessary supports in place). It’s a suggestion that you make a habit of kind and gentle movement toward your discomforts as a means to unlearn fear – as a means to communicate to yourself that you can, indeed, face discomfort, and can, indeed, play a role in shifting it. The magic of this practice is that the learning (and unlearning) you do in one arena spills into other areas of your life. Like, for instance, your discomfort around taking that next step.

10. Connect

Don’t try to do this – life, trust habits, scary steps – alone. Even extreme introverts need and benefit from positive connections, and you are no exception. So make a habit of forming positive human connections. Maybe this is inviting someone you’ve recently met to tea. Maybe it’s taking cookies to your new neighbor or a thank-you note to that checker whose smile brightens your day. There are blogs written by people with similar goals and interests to yours; comment on these and find, among other commenters, kindred souls. There are books that relate to your interests that you can form reading groups around. There are courses you can take where you’ll rub shoulders with classmates and instructors. Maybe you could take the radical step to deepen a friendship you already have! Particularly if you feel isolated and alone, take this habit on. Tailor it to your needs and limitations and mix it with habits 6 and 7 above (moving into choice; practicing a growth mindset). Your mojo for taking that next scary step will wondrously expand.

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I’m creating a detailed pen and ink drawing to accompany these ten habits – a symbolic, at-a-glance reminder of this list. Comment on today’s post by Thursday, March 7 at noon Pacific Time to be entered to win a free print of it. I’ll post the image on the blog that day.

So tell me: What trust habits do you use to support yourself through scary steps? What scary next steps are you facing – with or without trust habits? What would make all the difference in the world for you to know deep in your bones as you face them?

Update: Comment #8 is this week’s winner (generated thanks to random.org). Congratulations, Stephanie! Shoot me your mailing address and your choice of 8×10 or 5×7 and I’ll drop your gift in the mail.

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Want more support for your scary next step? Registration opens soon for my signature course, Trust Habits, which focuses this session on Courage, Resilience, and Flow. Sign up for Trust Notes in the sidebar to be notified when registration doors open. Class begins April 15.