I’ve been tripping on a secret, over and over, for the last many years. And it’s so profound that I shake as I try to put words to it. I’m that moved.
It’s all about our egos, and how they’re like the Wizard of Oz. Only instead of a powerless guy behind the scary facade, there’s something vast and spacious. Something that feels like floating on clouds and being utterly safe and fearing nothing at all. Dropping the facade terrifies the facade itself, and that terror drives all of us to do everything in our power to keep it up at all times.
But those glimpses beyond it? Those unexpected moments when we step to the side of it and feel our whole chest open up and the knots that are ALWAYS in our guts release and that cloud of chatter and worry and questioning quiet in a strength that feels more spacious and profound than anything we could ever hope to shore up or protect? Oh dear lord. Please, give me more.
I’m thinking a lot about spirituality these days, and about life paths (whether they be spiritual, relational, vocational, etc) that have turned out so differently from how we might have wished or expected that they would. And about how hard it can be to admit to ourselves that we aren’t on that path we used to be…or expected to be…walking, but are instead on the one that we’re on. That’s such a huge move, truly, to admit where we actually are.
But then there’s the move to admit that to other people, which can be hard enough on it’s own, depending on the audience. But all the more difficult when doing so has implications for choices and commitments we’ve already made. What if you’re a pastor and you admit that your concept of God cannot be integrously molded into anything your church could warm to? What if you’re engaged and you know deep down this person isn’t who you want to marry? What if you jumped through more hoops than you can count to reach a dream – sacrificed lots and gave years of your life to the work – and you realize once you’ve reached it that the dream was actually empty, or at least is empty for you?
The Wizard of each of our Oz’s shakes. It quakes. And tries to scare us into doing WHATEVER it takes to avoid the truth that we deep down know. To avoid the awful, awkward conversations required by it. The gut-wrenching choices that’ll have to be made. The fissures in relationships and chasms that’ll surely form in some of them.
“Doom and Gloom!!” our Wizards say. “Every last bit of it!!!”
But here’s where *I* quake and with something other than fear. I quake with the force of conviction.
You are not your Wizard.
Your ego is only a mask. It’s only a scary, boisterous story. And the actions and words you know you need to do or say are only dangerous and foolish and awful in the constricting world of that story.
Outside of that story, such things are LIFE – with enormous, capital letters. They’re freedom and flight. They’re you honoring what’s deep and beautiful and true, and connecting yourself with the growth and the learning that such honoring inevitably opens for you.
There are details that will have to be tended to. There are tough decisions that will have to be made. Relationships may break or need to be arduously mended. I don’t want to belittle any of that.
But I want to say with all the spacious, potent power within me that when it comes to listening to your soul and honoring the truth you hear it whispering, being a fool in your ego’s eyes is ultimately the safest, most hopeful, life-improving, trust-inducing move you could possibly make.
I’m cheering you on, with my pom-poms out for me, too, and all the ways all of us fear feeling foolish and try, with faltering steps sometimes, to dive into LIFE anyway.
With so much love,
P.S. This song might be something you need to hear (lyrics below).
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put ‘em in quotations
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaaay…
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to saaay…
Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open… wide…
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say…
Everything Belongs
Seasons are universal. Treat yours uniquely.
I recently made a big decision to go in another direction after years of study and expense. Some people were shocked while others hardly seemed interested. Choosing another path whether it be a relationship, career, or a life in a different country has given me pause more than a time or two, but it’s never been something I couldn’t do when needed. This last one was more difficult.
I love seeing your name and Trust Notes in my inbox.
I wrote about my decision here:
https://giftsofthejourney.wordpress.com/2012/01/13/ditching-a-plan-that-no-longer-works/
Comment by Elizabeth Harper — January 18, 2012 @ 1:48 amJust read your post, Elizabeth, and wow! Kudos to you! I love your comment here about some being shocked and others uninterested, too. That speaks to how ENORMOUS we can feel a decision is when at heart, it’s a matter of perspective.
Thanks for your words!
Comment by Kristin — January 18, 2012 @ 7:27 am*headslap* YES~! to infinity and back! YES~! thank you so much for this post, Kristin! Behind the smoke and mirrors is my scared, terroristic ego grasping for power! You put into words the conflict I tossed through when choosing to leave what does not nurture and choose what flourished. Thank you!
Comment by Helen — January 18, 2012 @ 8:40 amHelen, you’re welcome. I’m so glad for the resonance!
Comment by Kristin — January 18, 2012 @ 8:50 amHi Kristin, I am loving this post… prompting deeper thought and further awakening.
I too feel ego is one of the best kept secrets of humanity, blocking higher awakening and the realization of our fullest potential… an exciting discovery, yet to be fully explored. That said, the process of awakening to the ego self is painful. Having just come through yet another intense period of seeing how my actions in the past were dictated by ego concerns I feel somewhat like a fool; the folly of dysfunctional behavior which at the same time had a wonderful effect, creating enough sorrow to force me to look at myself. My spiritual journey is fueled by the energy of the fool which to me is having the courage to be the observer, embracing change and stepping into what looks like the unknown but in fact may ultimately be a better known ‘self’.
Blessings for your inspiration.
Comment by Johanne — January 18, 2012 @ 4:29 pmJohanne, you’re so right: awakening to the ego self is often SO painful. I hope my words in this post don’t downplay that reality. Sometimes the spacious feeling of safety that I’ve experienced in what feels like the space behind the ego is a feeling that only comes later, after some painful acknowledgement happens about what our egos have done or kept us from doing.
But you know, I’ve experienced the two simultaneously sometimes, and at times, it’s the sweetness and security of the “behind the ego” self that has made looking more closely at my ego that much more possible. It’s motivated me to do it.
Comment by Kristin — January 19, 2012 @ 11:20 pmHi Kristin, I feel in your post you clearly honored what is at the same time difficult and easy in our spiritual journey. I tend to go through intense periods of letting go (difficulty) followed by periods of observing (easy). The trust tending process is to remember to do both at the same time.
I would like to share a piece from the Writers Life by Julia Cameron that jumped out at me this morning; “Our modern lives are vertical with exertion. They are fraught, demanding, difficult. We need someone, someplace, to hear how hard they are. We need, and must learn to be, our witness”.
Comment by Johanne — January 21, 2012 @ 3:04 pmBeautiful, beautiful quote, Johanne. Thank you for it. It fits so well with something I’m soon to launch here at Trust Tending, too! Will likely unveil it in the next week or two. Delighted for this synchronicity!
Comment by Kristin — January 21, 2012 @ 10:34 pmI’m late to the party…but just had to say how much I love this! So beautifully and simply written. It’s always such a gift to come visit here. Thank you!
Comment by Janice — February 14, 2012 @ 3:51 pmThank you, Janice. It’s a gift to have you.
Comment by Kristin — February 15, 2012 @ 9:24 pm