When I was ten, I deeply offended one of my friends. I told a joke that she thought was about her weight and, from all I can gather, I triggered deep shame. The look of shock and then distain on her face when I told that joke stays with me still, and, too, the memories of her ignoring me for months; her unwillingness to listen to my frantic explanations and apologies; and her attempts to help other kids join her front against me.

Were I a spit-fire kid myself, this might have been normal. I might have been frustrated, but basically resilient and able to brush myself off and move on.

But I wasn’t. Oh, I so wasn’t.

I was as earnest as they come, and offending anyone was virtually top on my list of Things To Be Avoided At All Costs. I told few jokes in general and, as you might imagine, this particular one had nothing to do with my friend’s weight.

I struggled hugely that year to come to terms with the reality that I could a) hurt someone unintentionally and b) be powerless to right the situation when it actually happened.

I’d like to say that I did it – that I came to terms with both things – but I think the very opposite is true. I think my fear that this could happen again grew ENORMOUS and even more so, my resolve to try to avoid the recurrence.

But of course life will be life, and I have and continue to hurt and offend and disappoint people. Without even trying! Because in addition to all of our unspoken needs, we have land mines – all of us – that can get triggered by even the most delicate, planful of strides. The look of a stranger can set them off. The growl of a dog. The respectful work of a dear one to tell us what they need.

I’m guessing every one of us has experienced both sides of this equation…on more than one occasion!

And for a number of reasons, I’m feeling the yuck of that reality this week. I’m feeling frustrated that relationships are a dance between two or more people, and I can only be responsible for me. I’m feeling my fears of being blind-sided by someone’s disappointment or offense – expecting it to happen around every bend. And I’m sitting with the discomfort of knowing I see deeply into things AND have a lot to learn about when and how and to whom to actually talk about what I see. And how to know how confident to even be about what I (think I) see!

Oh, the riches in my mind this week!!

So as a move to tend trust in the midst of my week’s trenches, I’m going to try something I’ve been hearing Goddess Leonie do in her World’s Biggest Summit interviews (if you haven’t signed up for the summit, you still can! I’m slated to give my talk there later this month, but every day there are links to 3 or 4 wonderful videos or audio recordings, delivered to your inbox). I’m going to imagine what my future/highest/wisest self might say to the me of today whose gut is in such knots over when my next offense will occur or the fact that some offenses unquestionably already have.

And here’s what I think she might say (hopefully these can help some of you, too):

1. Oh honey. Want a hug?
2. Your tender heart is beautiful and not a sign of weakness, over-sensitivity, or immaturity. It’s a gift you can nourish others with and yourself be nourished by.
3. Fully honoring your tender heart is a more effective way of containing its fears and woes than is listening to it, constantly, half-heartedly. If you can, listen to its feelings purposefully and with as little judgment as possible. Write these down. Do this daily, until this storm has passed. And where you sense they might be needed, create rituals that honor what needs honoring – the grief, the fear, the desire to put some lifelong pattern to rest. Help your heart feel safe with you, respected, and heard.
4. Learning when to trust your intuition and what to do in response to it are lifelong endeavors. There’s no rush. You’ll find your flow with time.
5. Utter confidence in what you know and spot-on social grace in your delivery of it aren’t your highest goals. Love is. Keep your sights there and good things follow.
6. Whenever and wherever you can, lean into trust – that it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to hurt people, it’s okay to be hurt by people, it’s okay if people can’t hear or understand your intent, it’s okay to have blind spots, it’s okay for you and others to have inner land mines and shocking, startling needs, it’s okay for conflicts to remain open-ended indefinitely, it’s okay for you to grieve.
7. Watch for life’s kindnesses, no matter how small. The way the sun warms you, an unexpected quiet, that there was enough shampoo left for your shower, the kind smile of a stranger. You’ve given your attention to life’s sharp edges lately, and they’ve been plentiful. See what happens when your attention turns toward kindness.
8. Take a week and forget about your inner world altogether. Instead, focus all your attention on getting more sleep, getting your blood moving for 20 minutes each day, and eating more greens. You will be flabbergasted by the results. This might be the most important item on your list.
9. Go read this post. No seriously. Go read it and listen all the way to the end of the song. Then play the song again. Hold it close to your heart.
10. Each day as you awake, and each time your fears flare, pull back until you see a broader view. Imagine yourself pulling up above the forest of your life and seeing what you’re really about – what you’re really here to be and do. Nestling your fears and stresses inside this BIG container makes them seem so much smaller. So not hindrances to you being who you’re here to be.

What do you do when you hurt, disappoint, or offend? How do you navigate broken relationships that you’re helpless to fix? How do you step out of fearful vigilance and into greater trust? I’d very much like to know!