Sometimes your ego is ready for a good challenge – is all chipper and open-arms about uncomfortable conversations or your growing awareness that you’re scared of something – maybe the very thing you’re most wanting or needing to do – and are finding every reason to stall instead of doing it.
“Bring it on!” your ego says. “I can take it!”
And with the onslaught of that discomfort or that deepened awareness, your ego stands up, flexes, and muscles you off to new and wonderful places.
Sometimes, though – okay, maybe lots of the time – your ego has much less spunk. It feels more like a weary, wounded animal.
Like…for instance…mine right now. The very challenges that start the Rocky theme song going on my best days are leaving me rocking this week, hugging my knees.
So what to do on weeks like these?…especially when there’s still work to be done and checking out completely isn’t an option.
I get this image in my head of lists. Running lists, almost like ticker tape, of all the things that could help:
- More sleep
- Journaling
- Exercise
- Meditation
- Yoga
- More greens
- Gluten-free???
- A cleaner house
- A cleaner desk
- A cleaner head space…
Which really all sound like this when I’m feeling this way:
- Blah
- Blah
- Blah
- Blah
- Get your act together!!!
- Blah
Not so trust-inducing, right?
And then this other image comes to mind of those little stickers given at American polling places that say simply, “I voted”. Only in my vision, they say things like, “I chose self kindness,” or “I put my arm around my f*$%ed-up-ness and walked lovingly like that for a while.”
Wouldn’t that be cool???
I see so many warm looks of knowing in that scene – person to person. High fives, too.
So if your ego is feeling weak right now, and you’re tempted to respond with self condemnation, or your numbing-out habit of choice, or by drawing up personal marching orders or referencing self-help articles or buffing up your to-do lists, maybe you…maybe WE…could consider something much more gentle, and ultimately, more conducive to the natural growth of trust.
Maybe we could do something completely counterintuitive in the face of our own glaring weakness and try some small act of celebration – a lighted candle, a container of berries all to ourselves, a paper crown created for our head – to honor the steps we’re trying to take – even if only on our good days – into trust.
Because they matter. Every single move into trust matters. All of them till and feed and shine warm light on trust’s soil.
Me? I’m going to go crack the cover on the first for-fun book that I’ve opened in nine months. I’d love to hear what small act you might choose!
Everything Belongs
Seasons are universal. Treat yours uniquely.
Reading a for-fun book sounds so wonderful! Even better? Reading that book while in Viparita Karani (legs up the wall)with your favorite blanket thrown over you and cushy bolster beneath your hips…and a steaming mug of hot tea or cocoa waiting for you when you come down. Bliss!
I’m still battling the feeling of over-indulgence these days when I take time for myself; however, I think I can manage a moment. My yoga room is beckoning…we’ll see. :)
Comment by Lara — September 30, 2011 @ 6:19 amI’m gonna do some art journaling after a walk with my daughter. And then I will light a stick of incense in the bathroom when I take my shower.
I liked your second list. The – blah blah blah “get your act together” blah – list. That is a list I make in my head and in my heart and even in my journal a lot. A LOT! Thanks for writing it out like that. It made me laugh – and recognize my own patterns.
And the reference to the buttons you picture in your head – I liked that too. I am trying to embrace my fucked up self and love her as much as I love the pinched up church-lady I try to pretend I am far too often. I hope to learn to love both parts of myself while attempting to put the church lady out of her misery. Out of my misery.
Thanks for giving me more stuff to ponder and write about and live into.
Comment by GailNHB — September 30, 2011 @ 6:34 amEnjoy your book. Yay for you!!!
Lara, that sounds lovely! :) And hopefully your battle will turn into a truce somehow. I’m sending all my best wishes that it will!
Gail, your small acts sound so great, too! And yes, that second list made me laugh, too, as it’s SO MUCH what I hear when I’m in this state. Here’s to inner pinched up church ladies finding freedom to be messy and real…and beautiful! :) XOXO!
Comment by Kristin — September 30, 2011 @ 6:45 amYour post had me laughing and crying. I can identify so much with this, and I so much appreciate the continued call to “be gentle” with ourselves. .. .Thanks once again, Kristin. I’m off to make a bowl of hot oatmeal with craisins and nuts and eat it leisurely on my sunporch. .. then take a walk and look for pretty leaves. . . .
Comment by Ellen — September 30, 2011 @ 7:00 amthis really struck me—I’m a new widow and have difficulty giving myself permission to just be there in the quiet, when the to do list is so long….just allowing the tears to flow is what I need to do…
Comment by Rosalie — September 30, 2011 @ 7:02 amEllen, your oatmeal and leaf walk sound so wonderful! If I could, I would join you for both.
Rosalie, I’m sending you so much gentleness and love. May your tears flow and soothe you.
Comment by Kristin — September 30, 2011 @ 7:24 amoh, you go girl. I am so happy to have discovered you! Trust is my BIG thing at the mo’ and I was so supported by your 30 days of spot on sketches. Thank you so much for sharing your self and your gorgeous, gorgeous talents.
Comment by Jule — September 30, 2011 @ 7:09 pmI’m ill in my holidays and was feeling pretty frustrated about that – as was bored teeenage daughter- so thanks to you I am going to do something as simple and incredibly pleasureable as light a candle TO MYSELF. How sweet, how kind. ANd I’ll just BE still and quiet AND FULL OF CHEST INFECTION AND LARINGYTIS and let all the energy of changes in my life catch me up. (Sorry, my caps lock always has a mind of it’s own) Ticker tape- ticker off! Love to you and all who read you!
Hi Kristin, seems like the post was written especially for me… I have been so beating myself up about my failure to hit a difficult decision on the head – I have decided to quit a wonderful 13 year business partnership and I don’t know how I’m going to tell my partner, who is also a very dear friend without devastating our relationship. So on your divine advice I’m going to relax and let the universe provide the perfect moment for this decision to manifest in my life in a spirit of love and trust.
Comment by Leslie — October 3, 2011 @ 5:16 amJule, I hope you’re feeling so much better by now! 1000 cheers for your lighted candle. I’m delighted for your company.
Leslie, I’m so glad! What a hard thing to look toward. I hope the conversation you eventually have turns out to be more connecting than ever seems possible from this side of it. Either way, though, here’s to that spirit of love and trust. xoxo
Comment by Kristin — October 3, 2011 @ 6:47 amHi Kristin, I thought I should just let you know how things worked out for me… It seemed that the universe heard my surrender which really was inspired by your post. The very next day the opportunity for the discussion with my business partner opened up and though it was very tough on us both, we have found a way forward which hopefully can end our business relationship in a loving and harmonious way while preserving a very precious friendship… Love and light!!!
Comment by Leslie — October 5, 2011 @ 6:44 am