This is a guest post by Tracy Todd. She writes beautifully, honestly, and insightfully about life in general and life as a quadriplegic at her blog, tracytodd.wordpress.com. Follow her on Twitter here.
*One quick note: comments on this sexuality series are getting kicked into my spam folder a lot. I’m going into that folder and approving them more than once a day, so if you post a comment and get told it’s spam, or simply don’t see it right away, that’s likely the reason. You’ll see it posted just as soon as I get to the spam folder to make corrections. Sorry for the hassle!
At 28 I had a successful teaching career, was happily married with a gorgeous ten-month-old son. A tragic car accident changed the course of all of our lives. I was left paralyzed from the neck down. A year later I was divorced. That was 13 years ago.
After being alone for more than a decade, I fell in love with a wonderful man and a poignant part of my existence was reawakened – my sensuality. It is a miracle because in my world love can be elusive. But, if it does happen, one can be assured that it is pure magic.
Most people react with jaw-dropping astonishment when hearing that a man – a sane and fully functioning one at that – is interested in me as a woman.
Everyone’s response is the same – he must be a very special man.
Bravely, I agree, with a smile. He is remarkable in that he has the unique, and rare, ability to look way beyond my wheelchair and see me for the person that I really am.
Facing any type of permanent disability, or even serious temporary injury, is too traumatic for most people to comprehend. Disabilities immediately evoke fears of abandonment, rejection, loneliness and frustration because that is just human nature. But, deep down inside I’m screaming: “Why does he have to be the only special one? Couldn’t it be me who is special enough?”
I have first-hand experience of what happens when one bases a relationship purely on the physical. It will eventually crumble because no human is guaranteed a life without encountering health issues like serious illness or injury, financial problems, family troubles, spiritual or philosophical differences, social dilemmas or disability. Any relationship without a spiritual and emotional connection – depth and meaning – will not survive any of life’s curve-balls. I hadn’t even thought that until my accident and consequent divorce – just to give you an indication of what a shallow life I was obliviously living.
Most people automatically assume that because I am paralyzed I am unable to have sex. That is because society has fallen into the classic – and all too common – trap of defining intimacy between two people who love one another deeply as “sex” which in my mind is “animal-like genital intercourse”.
It’s simply taken for granted that I would not be able to fulfill any man’s sexual needs and therefore would not make a suitable life partner. Nothing could be further from the truth. Many marriages fall apart because a fully functioning partner has the inability to connect physically with the other. Thus my abilities – or seemingly lack of – hold no relevance.
One cannot imagine the terrible derogatory remarks and comments I have had to endure as a direct result of these misconceptions. It just proves how ignorant and prejudiced our society really is. Sex for a quadriplegic is not impossible.
Also, no one can tell me what my body can and cannot feel. The feeling may not be exactly the same as before but, I’ve learned to recognize other sensations and signs, becoming more in tune with my body.
I managed to let go of what I thought sex was supposed to be and consider what it can be. Together, we learned to respond with a spirit of exploration rather than (for me) a sense of loss. Besides, discovering new and interesting ways of “doing it” could offer a brand-new spark to any relationship.
There are acceptable alternatives. Real intimacy is a way of expressing an innate part of who I am. I learned that kissing, cuddling, talking and fantasizing are not compromises. These “alternatives” have more erotic potential than most people care to explore or even acknowledge.
My sexuality is about so much more than just a stereotyped, and often overrated, physical act. Being an athlete in bed has nothing whatsoever to do with the quality of a committed relationship. My value extends far beyond my ability to use and feel my genitals. It should be a combination of my personality, my passion for life, my intelligence, my opinions, my sense of humor, shared interests, my heart and my light that is attractive. Those lasting qualities are most certainly what I look for in a soul-mate.
I believe that real intimacy is a basic human need. Just because I am paralyzed it does not mean that I do not have exactly the same needs as everyone else. I still need to feel attractive, to be loved, touched, hugged and kissed.
Isn’t it amazing how there was a sudden interest in my love life immediately after my accident by, mostly curious, people and a tremendous amount of concern for my husband’s needs – without any consideration whatsoever of what my needs were in that domain?
Importantly, my new relationship taught me that there is a whole new language out there – just like English, Spanish, German or French – called Sex Language. I’ve realized the importance of speaking Sex Language and all couples should be doing it.
Talking throughout our lovemaking helps to focus on the moment – and one’s imagination can obviously help make the experience far more pleasurable. Being intimate taught me the importance of using one’s mind as well – as opposed to only relying on the physical body – in order to benefit from the entire sensual experience. A woman’s most powerful sexual tool is her mind.
We all have different intimate needs, wants, desires and fantasies and one should be able to discuss those with your life partner no matter what – otherwise, what’s the point? I always thought that the “language of love” was a cliché but now I realize – and fully appreciate – how crucial it is to an exclusive intimate relationship.
Generally, society does not like to associate themselves – particularly not romantically – with people who do not appear physically whole. Ironically, I consider myself to be a far more whole person now than what I ever was.
After all, I’m still a woman. I’m still in touch with my sensuality. That is reason enough to celebrate.
Everything Belongs
Seasons are universal. Treat yours uniquely.
[...] Disability and Sexuality Posted on July 13, 2011 by Tracy Todd I’m very proud to announce my first guest post, ever. I’m honoured, and privileged, to be sharing my story (some of which you may have already read in past posts on my blog). Today, I’m sharing my thoughts on Disability and Sexuality. [...]
Pingback by Disability and Sexuality | Tracy Todd's Blog — July 12, 2011 @ 11:05 pmWow!!!!!!!
I am deeply honoured and touched to read that post.
Truly brilliant, honest and eye opening. Corrects the stereotypical perceptions of many.
I am blessed to know and read about you.
Thanks
Comment by Padma Ayyagari — July 12, 2011 @ 11:12 pmPadma
So many wise insights here that are relevant to everyone.
How telling that people were more concerned about your husband than you! I think that shows how you are having to deal with sexism (still, in this day and age) as well as huge misconceptions about your life as a quadriplegic.
Thank you, Tracy.
Comment by Becoming herself — July 13, 2011 @ 12:28 amYour sexuality and sensuality is a celebration for being alive, Tracy.
Comment by Chris Yelland — July 13, 2011 @ 12:33 amIt brings a tear and a smile.
Thank you for your insights.
xxx
Dear Tracy
Comment by Anton — July 13, 2011 @ 12:36 amI’m happy that you learned that kissing, cuddling, talking and fantasizing are not compromises, but “improvements’. So many people go through life not realising that – a crying shame. Go for it!
Bravo Girl, you’ve gone international…whoooo hoooooo. What a wonderful article. It occurs to me that ‘everything’ starts in the mind and the more ‘used’ the better the experience. Thought become things ‘ choose the good one’s ‘.
Comment by Dougal Macdonald — July 13, 2011 @ 6:36 amDougal
Tracy- I really appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts on this issue. My mom has Cerebral Palsy and has spent her whole life in a wheel chair. I have never talked to her about her sexuality but I imagine she has faced many of the same difficulties as you. As a child and teen, I was frequently faced people who lacked tact and felt the freedom to ask me, if I was conceived in the “normal” way. No 15 year old wants to be discussing their conception and why the heck is it their business.
Comment by Annee — July 13, 2011 @ 8:30 amTracy, thank you, again, so much for this gift. I’m struck by the ways your hard-won insights can apply beyond disability, too. Your words about using your mind and language during love-making stand out to me, in particular, as I’ve worked to turn OFF my mind in my own love-making. I’m inspired to consider more about what you mean, and to make more of a distinction about what I’m turning OFF during love-making (insecurity, critical self-talk, etc.), and what I’m leaving on (fantasy, intentional focus on different parts of my and my beloved’s body, etc). I must admit I feel VERY naive in these things, and am open to resources or sites that you or anyone has found helpful.
And as I say that, I’m aware of both fear and anger around the pornography industry, and confusion about what sexual content is actually helpful and enlivening and what is truly harmful (to our views of our bodies and the way they work, to the roles we assign men and women sexually and otherwise, etc.). So if anyone wants to start a conversation on THAT topic (pornography), I would be so interested to listen and join!!
Comment by Kristin — July 13, 2011 @ 9:39 amTracy, it is no surprise to find you wandering about the bloghood, spreading your insights and wisdom.
Thanks again and always for modelling vulnerability without even a soupçon of withholding. Therein lies the key to true intimacy. I may get there…
Comment by Amy@Souldipper — July 13, 2011 @ 10:50 amThank you for such a beautiful and honest essay. What a spirit you are! When you were wondering why people thought your new partner was special but they didn’t think you were special enough, it touched something deeply familiar in me and once again reminded me that we are all part of the same divine consciousness.
Comment by pamela — July 13, 2011 @ 11:51 amThank you for sharing that. It was wonderful!
Comment by MyParentsAreCrazierThanYours — July 13, 2011 @ 5:38 pmPadma – Thank you. Sadly, society is full of ignorant, stereotypical perceptions surrounding many things, not only disability. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Becoming herself – Yes, sexuality is relevant to everyone because it is an innate part of who we are as human beings. All women are still having to deal with sexism to a certain degree all over the world but hopefully by speaking out we have the power to change mindsets – albeit one at a time.
Chris – You were instrumental in getting my blog up and running. I salute you for giving me this forum to express myself and celebrate my life. Thank you.
Anton – Yeah I couldn’t agree more. Kissing, for me, is the essence of a meaningful, intimate relationship. Touch (holding hands) and kissing are usually the first step when starting out an intimate relationship. Sadly, as a relationship matures, those simple things are often simply forgotten about.
Dougal – I’ve gone international, Yay! Nerve-racking but exciting. I thank God every day for the blessing of my mind. I never realized how important it was in the business of living until I was surrendered physically helpless. I’m choosing the good ones, for sure!
Annee – Your comment struck a chord with me. I agree that it doesn’t matter how anybody was conceived. And it certainly is nobody’s business. What matters is that you are here and that should be enough.
My son has also had to put up with lots of questions at school. No nine-year-old should have to answer questions like “How does your mother go to the toilet?” But, being a teacher myself and understanding a child’s natural curiosity, I decided to visit my son’s school to speak to the kids and answer all their questions. It worked like a charm. Now, if anybody asks him a personal question about me, his standard answer is “I don’t know, ask my mom.”
Kristin – Thank YOU for the opportunity and for opening up your blog home to me. It has been a truly wonderful, liberating experience.
I know exactly what you’re speaking about when you say you turn OFF your mind during love-making. I did exactly the same thing before my accident. Get this – I had such low self-esteem and had such a complex about my body that I was extremely uncomfortable in its nakedness during love-making. Now, I would give anything to have that beautiful body back again. But, fortunately I have discovered a new gift, the gift of mind and my sensuality has never felt more fulfilling. And for that, I am grateful.
Amy – Amazingly, before I started writing my blog (a mere 18 months ago) I wasn’t aware this immense bloghood even existed. I have to say that it has been the most eye-opening, heartwarming experience I have had in a long time. It’s absolutely wonderful to be able to connect with so many talented, incredible people from around the globe. And I’m loving every minute of it.
Pamela – Indeed, we are all part of the same divine consciousness yet, we all continue our crazy discriminatory, judgmental thoughts and actions towards one another. Society needs to learn how to embrace differences and celebrate uniqueness.
My Parents Are Crazier Than Yours – My pleasure! Thank you for reading.
Comment by Tracy Todd — July 14, 2011 @ 8:23 am[...] believe that real intimacy is a basic human need. Just because I am paralyzed it does not mean that I do not have exactly the same needs as everyone [...]
Pingback by Tribe love! : 07.15.11 | Roots of She — July 15, 2011 @ 8:02 amTracy, you are truly the most remarkable woman and I commend you for being able to always write so beautifully and with such candidness. You are a wonderful spokesperson.
Comment by Mandy - The Complete Cook Book — July 17, 2011 @ 6:38 am:-) Mandy
Tracy, thank you for sharing your story. So much valuable information that can be applied to everyone’s relationship for sure.
“After all, I’m still a woman. I’m still in touch with my sensuality. That is reason enough to celebrate.”
Celebrating you right now Tracy!
Comment by Dyamond — July 17, 2011 @ 3:00 pmI strongly believe in your this line…its like a quote by you
A woman’s most powerful sexual tool is her mind.
Comment by anonymous — August 19, 2011 @ 3:35 am