Today I’m thinking about stories. About their power to create and re-create us. About their truth, too, and how the very same facts can be woven into hundreds of stories that each, in different ways, are all true.
And of course I'm thinking about sexuality, too, and asking myself, and now you: What story are you telling yourself about your experience as a sexual being?
Is it a sad one?
Is it happy?
Is there hope of happiness some day further on?
How much shame is woven into it?
How much fear?
Are there paragraphs or lines of it that feel like trust? Feel like resting in something safe and beautiful and warm?
I have this image in my mind of a booth at a farmers market, overflowing with fruit. As buyers, none of us are obligated to buy any one piece of it. We can pick and choose to our liking.
And I wonder whether some version of this is true of the stories we tell about our sexuality. We can't choose all the facts of our lives or sexual experiences (if only we could!). But with practice, I think we CAN choose the stories we tell about those facts - the way we weave them together into some final (or at least working) form.
For a long time I've felt shame about the size of my breasts (A cup) and the fact that I have had one sexual partner my whole life through (I married my high school sweetheart). I've listened to stories about hook-ups and break-ups and one night stands and watched women "strut their stuff" and complain or rejoice about the shape and size of their cleavage, feeling always on the outside looking in, somehow shamefully sheltered, naive, and un-womanly.
But what if I start to tell a story that defines my sexuality far more broadly than the size of my breasts or the number of sexual partners I've known. A story that celebrates the sweet, sweet love I know with my beloved, and the safety we've experienced in each others' embrace. What if my story is actually just getting started, too, and what in the past I've called naivete (and felt ashamed about) could be called something more like "beginner's mind", in the very best, most sought-after sense, and the starting point for - the very heart - of more childlike wonder and discovery and even ecstasy than I could have known another way?
Your facts aren't mine, but what if you look at what they are anew this week, noticing the story you've used them to tell until now. Maybe you'll tell that same story forever. But maybe you'll realize you want to weave your facts into something totally new. Something that enlivens you in a way your old story doesn't. Something that causes your hope, and thus trust, to grow.
Everything Belongs
Seasons are universal. Treat yours uniquely.
From one A-size, one-partnered sister to another…thanks for the beautiful, personal post!
I’ve been amazed (and wrestled with) the odd shapes that shame can take around sexual experience. For one, there’s the strange math of “promiscuity” being culturally expected of males and sinful for females. Then, growing up in the circles I did… it would have been shameful to “sleep around,” then once a grown-up…switch–it’s perceived as foolish to not! What was once virtue now shameful. Hmmm.
Looks like what truly matters is how we view our own stories, yes? I have some story retelling yet to do, to reshape the label “naive” into a blessing of “beauty.”
Breasts, though I’ve come to celebrate. I can successfully go braless (freedom!) and when I run, which I love to do, I count my blessings as there is no painful bouncing to slow me down. :-) Would I welcome a bit more volume there? Yes. AND it’s my partner who has helped me to see the genuine appeal of androgyny.
For instance, as much as the magazines may say their own thing, in the (highly populated, suburban) junior high/high school context where I came of age, the girls considered most attractive were the athletic/outdoorsy strong, muscular bodies who went for minimal primping. Also, in the larger culture around us I notice that the long-haired, sensitive guy…is often a big hit. Hmmm. Maybe our culture isn’t as glued to the boy/girl rules we think we are.
On my life journey, I’ve come to see that much of sexual identity/orientation/attraction can be viewed on a continuum. (What is the name of that famous study?) I find it interesting to view gender and bodies on that continuum too…and continue learning how to celebrate my body’s version of being a woman/human/sexual being.
Kudos to you on this month’s writing, topic, courage, and candor.
Always grateful,
Comment by Karah Fisher Madrone — July 9, 2011 @ 4:14 pmKarah
Karah, your reflections are always so peace-inducing! :)
I think you’re so right about there being lots of mixed messages around the value of lots of sexual partners and the value of being barbi-esque vs. strong and athletic. Television and internet give us such ready access to such disparate messages about what “should” be important to us that maybe it’s no wonder that no matter what our body shape is, we feel ambivalent about its sex appeal.
Interestingly, when I was taking belly dance classes, I found myself wishing so much for a big belly and butt. :)
I love your phrase so much: “my body’s version of being a woman/human/sexual being”. YES. A thousand times.
Comment by Kristin — July 11, 2011 @ 8:22 pm