Capitola Beach, June 2008

Well hello! Yes, I’m here. I can hardly believe it myself. After many, many months of trying to get my head above water, I think I may have discovered a little pocket of air opening up beneath the water (where I’m totally still dwelling), which may be enough to allow for some words here now and then. Writing has always been my primary means of finding and making meaning, and after many months of almost none of it (writing), I’m feeling starved for some (meaning). So here’s a first attempt at naming where I’ve been (in my not-writing life) and where I think I might be headed (on this blog).

Parenting two has turned out to be far more challenging than I ever imagined. It has called into serious question so many things I used to take for granted about myself, like: that I’m organized; that I can strategize my way out of most stressful situations; that I can always find time and energy to write; I can be depended on to arrive on time and not need to cancel (repeatedly); I’m aware of my feelings; I’m in good physical shape; I’m well-rested and clear-minded; I return emails; underneath the social graces, I’m not a generally frustrated person.

In the last year, almost every aspect of myself that I used to like has been stripped from me, and I’ve been on a long and bumpy path of making peace with that. I’d like to write more about that process here.

At the same time, I have discovered a world of joy and wonder that’s off the grid of public life, and, indeed, does not require its inhabitants to be anything like the person I used to be. It’s a world inhabited not by deep reflection, or eloquent words, or ego strokes. Here, no one gauges popularity or stylishness or smarts. Showering, brushing teeth, and lack of offensive odors are completely optional. In short, “keeping up appearances” gets zero traction.

Instead, we’re all very raw, and very real. When we need to burp or fart or drool, we do. When we eat, we always spill. When we’re happy, we squeal, sad, cry, mad, everyone in the room tends to know it. We sing about everything, dance often, and spend huge chunks of our days hugging.

Before now I have had, and desired, very few words to give to my life in this world of engagement with kids, but I think I’m ready to talk about it now. The challenges I’ve experienced in this world have tended to get worded so much more readily than the joys that I’d like the new challenge of balancing what I say about it. It is a breathtakingly wondrous world, truly.

And of course, like I said at the start, I’m starving for a sense of meaning in it all. I have had so little time for reflection that I feel adrift in a sea of not-knowing-how-I-feel-or-what-I-understand-about-any-of-it.

So here goes: a series of posts wherein I try to get caught up with myself and my world.

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 6th, 2008 at 11:01 am and is filed under Mindfulness, Motherhood. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.