- I recently read Paulo Cuelho’s “Eleven Minutes”, which is a novel that explores lots of different reasons why people seek sexual encounters. I can imagine this being a good conversation starter for you and your wife and/or others with whom you’re talking about these things - to work through some of the psychology and spirituality of what you’re fantasizing or pursuing. But it isn’t an overtly Christian book, and surely does not offer an “authoritative Christian view” on the topic of sex.

- Peter Blood has reflected deeply on the topic of sex and sexuality from a Quaker/Christian perspective, and has posted his reflections here: http://www.quakersong.org/sexuality_position_paper/index.php My guess is he would be open to talking with you about these things if you have interest.

- A friend of mine read a book called Sexuality and the Christian Body, by Eugene Rogers (Blackwell, 1999) last year, and really, really liked it. And

- I’ve heard many Christians really found Rob Bell’s “Sex God” helpful (I haven’t read either of these books yet).

- Lastly, “The Mystery of Marriage” is another one that has been recommended to me, and that deals, in part, and beautifully, with the topic of sex, though from the perspective of someone fairly newly married, and so possibly differently than how even the author himself might deal with the topic after a number of years of marriage.

I’m not sure that any of these resources would support your wife exploring sexually outside of your marriage, but they might provide helpful insights or ideas for you and your wife to ponder as you work this issue through.

All my best to you!

Lorna, welcome! In light of some of the questions Christy left us with, I’m drawn to what you said here: “I do think our frank discussions about it gave our kids the opportunity to make informed choices for themselves, to practice safe sex when they practiced sex, and to be respectful of other people’s ways.” Isn’t this the best we can hope for - not only as parents, but as people in general? This conversation is giving me so much more information on which to base my views on sex, and is deepening my respect for other people’s choices. I want to keep thinking about ways, beyond this space, and beyond conversations around family dinner tables, where this kind of thing can happen.

Gail, you have put into words so beautifully what I think many of us are looking for: “To talk, to write, to ask questions, to make mistakes, to not be made to feel ashamed for one’s thoughts or feelings, and to be loved and accepted no matter the decisions made, mistakes made, or regrets expressed.” Yes! I want nothing more than this. Thank you all for helping create this kind of space for me and others here.

I think one thing that has come up often in this discussion is the lack of freedom to ask and answer these kinds of questions. Added to that has been a consistent inability to find support as we answer them. Safety is key, whether that safety is in one’s family - to discuss these crucial issues or the safety to go to sleep without being attacked by someone you are supposed to trust - or within the context of a consensual, adult relationship. To talk, to write, to ask questions, to make mistakes, to not be made to feel ashamed for one’s thoughts or feelings, and to be loved and accepted no matter the decisions made, mistakes made, or regrets expressed.

I am doing everything I can to break that silence, to end that pattern of shame in my own family. I have already made it clear to both of my children that there is nothing they cannot tell me or ask me, and that nothing they can do will make me stop loving them. They have both already tested that in private moments: questions, concerns, wondering about their bodies and their feelings about people of the opposite sex.

It’s a start.

p.s. Kristin, I enjoyed meeting your father-in-law and brother-in-law in DRC last month. Hope to cross paths with you someday too.